I set out at 13:12 yesterday to meet her outside her house. To walk, to talk, to understand and be understood. It had started with a text message Friday afternoon, encouraged by a friend at work who unfortuntely knows me better than I do. It's difficult to say what was supposed to happen, or how we were supposed to feel. But by somewhere around half five on Saturday evening, she offered a film back at her place from two chairs inside Blenz Coffee.
"It was when you put your arms around me outside my mums bedroom I knew" she spoke softly to me later that evening on her bed. It felt proper, and it felt bloody right. We trotted off to Subway together to pick up dinner, and not without making the manditory stop into the Supermarket for our $32 dessert. And she leaned into me on the Skytrain ride home, just like I remember. It was the feeling I'd missed. It was the feeling that had never felt so right.
Spending the night over, after earlier that day she handed me my jim-jams in a bag to take back home with me. However I didn't get home last night, and when I did this afternoon - it wasn't with my jim-jams. And it wouldn't be for long. Relationships are about compromise, they're about absolute honesty and they are about believing in what feels right. Being courageous enough to admit being wrong, developing a way to fix what went wrong & willing to continually work to keep it right. With her.
nordly
Far Reminders
Peeking out the window from different bedrooms most nights, feeling the cool Winter air hit my face while I twisted my neck toward the stars looking for the Aurora herself. Snow surrounds every footstep I took. Every train ride I cherished ...the long, dark & starry nights. It's Norway, it's Scandinavia. It's where I wish to be. The arctic. Above that pretend Arctic Circle.
All around me are constant reminders... the photo albums on my shelves, the framed photographs on my walls, the distant memories of everything written above.
Pillow up against the head of my bed, listening to more instrumentals. My rose red duvet rests a top my half nekkid body. Thoughts wont slow, worries continue to grow. I wish to keep writing, but I know if I closed my laptop it would give me an opportunity to let it out. Let go. Just cry. I need the tears to flow down my freckled cheeks. Ever sensitive, carefully emotional.
Sometimes I just need to be caressed, held, cherished and understood. Like we all dream of being. Do we?
It's time...
All around me are constant reminders... the photo albums on my shelves, the framed photographs on my walls, the distant memories of everything written above.
Pillow up against the head of my bed, listening to more instrumentals. My rose red duvet rests a top my half nekkid body. Thoughts wont slow, worries continue to grow. I wish to keep writing, but I know if I closed my laptop it would give me an opportunity to let it out. Let go. Just cry. I need the tears to flow down my freckled cheeks. Ever sensitive, carefully emotional.
Sometimes I just need to be caressed, held, cherished and understood. Like we all dream of being. Do we?
It's time...
Worth This
"Fuck, you're so not worth this. Bye."
And she hung up half way through my "Bye". Not her, but Emily. It was seven months with her, until I ended it nearly two months ago. She's been chasing after me since the evening I left. I saw it coming well in advance leaving it easier for me to take than her, who chose to ignore the warning signs & even my words of our failing relationship together. She's changed much now, and up until eight minutes ago, wanted me to offer her another chance more than anything in her world. I do miss certain things we had, but I want to fall in love, I don't want to settle.
Everytime we talk, it feels as though she has a notebook infront of her and she's reading smoothly off it, paragraph after paragraph, leaving me nothing less than awestruck & spleechless looking as though I really don't have any feelings at all when all my words are truly trapped inside not knowing a way out. So I find my way here to nordly.mindsay.com, where not another soul knows I'm here. There's a certain peace in that fact. The fact which I can write, knowing no one I know will see my feelings outloud.
Within these butterscotch & chocolate brown walls, it's time to get beneath my duvet covering this double bed where only a single soul will lie tonight. Alone again, naturally. I will close my eyes to the soft lighting, and let the instrumental music continue to flow...
God natt.
And she hung up half way through my "Bye". Not her, but Emily. It was seven months with her, until I ended it nearly two months ago. She's been chasing after me since the evening I left. I saw it coming well in advance leaving it easier for me to take than her, who chose to ignore the warning signs & even my words of our failing relationship together. She's changed much now, and up until eight minutes ago, wanted me to offer her another chance more than anything in her world. I do miss certain things we had, but I want to fall in love, I don't want to settle.
Everytime we talk, it feels as though she has a notebook infront of her and she's reading smoothly off it, paragraph after paragraph, leaving me nothing less than awestruck & spleechless looking as though I really don't have any feelings at all when all my words are truly trapped inside not knowing a way out. So I find my way here to nordly.mindsay.com, where not another soul knows I'm here. There's a certain peace in that fact. The fact which I can write, knowing no one I know will see my feelings outloud.
Within these butterscotch & chocolate brown walls, it's time to get beneath my duvet covering this double bed where only a single soul will lie tonight. Alone again, naturally. I will close my eyes to the soft lighting, and let the instrumental music continue to flow...
God natt.
No replies - Thoughts?
Her
It's her touch I thought of all night. Her heart I managed to break a little bit more this time. All the stupid things I said, all the daft things I shouldn't have done. I miss her. It was just a month, and I'm crazy of course, but I felt wanted, I felt needed and I felt as though I'd actually mattered. Every way in which she'd glance at me, the way in which she'd cling herself to me everywhere we went. And it's gone. I just wish I knew why it hurt the way it does. I'd give anything to go back...
Who I am...
Sean Online